Body Acceptance

I have "body issues." Show me a female who doesn't. Having gone up and down the scale my entire life (I've yo-yo'ed between size 4 and 14) I am no stranger to weight-loss schemes, fitness regimens, and purchasing articles of clothing that will fit me "once I'm back to fighting shape." 

I developed bulimia in my early 20's as a violent reaction to Weight Watchers. Don't be scared off if Weight Watchers is something you think might work for you--not everyone is susceptible to my degree of crazy, and Weight Watchers might actually be great for you. But for me, I was suddenly accountable for how many points were in an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, and the horrible realization I just ate all my points for an entire week--well, that was enough inspiration to take me to the toilet. I can't blame Weight Watchers completely--in fact, I don't blame them at all. Bulimia is a very specific eating disorder that can be broken down very simply: I threw up to express my long-suppressed rage. It was a bitter cycle of stuffing myself with junk food to drown my pain, then vomiting to undo the damage. I've since learned that the same emotions I'm expressing from throwing up are the same I'd be expressing if I could scream for five minutes. But then my roommates would freak out and probably call the cops.  Throwing up seemed much more manageable (WTF?!?)

I didn't stop at bulimia, by the way. I also tried Atkins, South Beach, the Cabbage Soup diet, the Master Cleanse, the Moon Diet (which involves fasting according to phases of the moon), diet pills, and juicing. In the fitness realm, I've run a marathon, worked with a trainer, participated in fitness infomercials, and taken up dance. 

All so I can look in a mirror and not flinch?

It's insanity. I reached a point this past year where I had to admit my obsession was out of control. I wasn't being myself and living in the moment--I was living to be thin. Rather, I was dying to be thin. Starving and mentally beating myself up. It's all I cared about. It's what I thought the world wanted from me. I honestly didn't think it wanted anything else. And once I was perfect--meaning fit enough to be photographed for the cover of a magazine without airbrushing, I'd be valuable. Little did I know they're all air-brushed, and most of them are graphically augmented to fit a standard that for me, is only maintainable if I am literally starving myself. 

So what do I do?

Well, I did a lot of things. Much of it I won't discuss here, but I'd be happy to talk to you privately. Let's just say I'm in the process of recovering from a lifelong battle between my ego and my Higher Self, and for the first time ever, my ego is being told to Shut The Fuck Up. Having a hard time discerning between the voice of your ego and the voice of your Higher Self? Here's a hint: your ego never says "I am beautiful exactly as I am!" Your ego says "I'll be beautiful when (insert anything here)". And if it's not saying that, it's simply saying "I look like shit today." What's your Higher Self saying? Nothing. Your Higher Self doesn't talk much--he or she is too busy enjoying the present moment to comment on how you look today.

So that's 31 years of body insanity in a nutshell. And there WAS a point to this--I wanted to give thanks and bring awareness to my favorite fitness studio, SWERVE. My friend Gillian runs this studio. She founded it with her BFF Teigh McDonough, and I've been a member since 2007. Through all my ups and downs, through all my struggles with food and pants sizes, SWERVE remains a safe-haven where I could show up, dance, sweat, and look at myself in the mirror as a beautiful and glorious work-in-progress. They have yoga, ballet, aerobics, salsa, sculpt classes, meditation--the list goes on and on. They are located on 3rd street, one block east of Sweetzer. Come check them out with me--I have a free pass! I go to Yoga Booty Ballet on Wednesdays at 10am, Booty Kickin' Scuplt on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 5:15, and when I can fit a yoga or meditation class in, I do that too. Not because I am on a rampage to get skinny, but because I love Gillian's classes and the magical positive energy she brings consistently to every single work-out. She is a truly gifted trainer and fitness coach, and I am honored to be a member of her kula!

LMP Self-Love Suggestion: When working out in a group, remember: you're not competing with anyone! Don't let yourself be discouraged from coming back to the class if you feel awkward and inexperienced. No one is judging you--they are investing time into self-improvement! If anyone is wasting time watching you, it's because they're scared and want approval just as much as you do. Shine, kick ass, and give the work-out 150%! You'll end up inspiring those around you to work harder than they might have worked without you there to inspire them!!

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Swerve Studio is located at 8250 West 3rd St. #205 Los Angeles, CA 90048. They host private trainers with a wide variety of specialties and backgrounds, including Pilates, Barre, CrossFit, TRX, MMA and weight training. 

Tuesday is S-Day

Tuesday mornings I go to S-Factor. It's an all-female pole dance fitness studio that teaches and specializes in discovering and developing your authentic feminine movement.

My class is co-taught by Sheila Kelley, the owner and feminine guru of S-Factor, and Janelle Giumarra, a lovely woman whom I took acting class with years ago. 

Every other week we have an assignment to encourage our exploration of movement and give us an opportunity to play. Today, the assignment was Jr. High. I was supposed to delve into my middle school years to find musical and tactile inspiration for my weekly solo dance. Here are the options that immediately came to mind in light of an assignment to find my favorite songs from 1993:

T H E    W I N N E R
1. Cherub Rock | Smashing Pumpkins

 

The song begins with the rattle of a snare drum. Two rolls and a snap. Then the guitar comes in (rhythm first) strumming a steady but unusual sequence of downbeats. Sweetly the snare creeps back in and continues with steadily increasing crescendo until the lead guitar — fully distorted with a sexy mesh effect — comes crashing into the room with the narcissistic insistence of Billy Corgan himself. 

By the time the intro gives way to the stiff driving pace of the first stanza — “Freak out/and give in/doesn’t matter what you believe in” — my movement is fully immersed in the room, in my body, in the present moment.

C L O S E   R U N N E R   U P
2. Come Undone | Duran Duran


Complete shift in style and energy. Simon Le Bon's sleepy velvet vocal purring laid over a lilting melodic under-water electronic symphony. It's fitting the video begins with a squirt of red ink in the undersea depths of an aquarium. The song is dark and haunting, like the bottom of the ocean. And the elemental mirroring of the deep waters of one's infatuated heart with the darkness of the song's minor key is but one reason this song was an obsession of mine. I didn't end up dancing to it, but I would have liked to :)


3. Closer | N I N


Trent Reznor might be the voice of my husband song. I still haven't found a husband song--the song I would marry, the song I could be with for decades and still want to fuck. But it's quite possible that once I do, it will be a creation of the brilliant musical mind of Trent Reznor. What else need I say? Play the song. Feel where the bass throbs inside you. The constant feather-light tickle of the high-hat in the background while the multi-faceted industrial rhythms float in mille-feuille-like pastry layers around a dark chocolate truffle creme filling. 


4. Wicked Game | Chris Issak

This song is in a class by itself. Whatever I say about it is best left to be experienced, so just listen to it :)

5. Fields of Gold | Sting

If I ever come off as anything but a vulnerable marshmallow, this is the secret to my humanity - Fields of Gold. I used to lie in my bed and let hot tears stream from the corners of my eyes, pooling into the pillow beneath my head. Dreaming of the possibility of being rescued by someone who was utterly right for me. This song taught me how to dream and filled my adolescent heart with hope.

Well, that's it! My top five Jr. High Jams. My dance today was an authentic exploration into some long-forgotten places. I donned a sweatshirt with sparkly puffy-paint cats that read Virgo. Once a treasured 8th-grade wardrobe item, now a relic of the past. But this time, rather than using it to hide my body and shield me from my peers, I spritzed it with perfume and deliberately peeled it off to free myself of its wounded implications. And the creature who no longer cringes from attention stood  petulant and triumphant in her underwear as her dance came to an end.

LMP Self-Love Suggestion: Make a cd of your favorite songs from 7th and 8th grade and keep it in your car. It can serve as a little reminder of how far you've come when you listen to nostalgic tunes and laugh at yourself.

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S Factor is a fitness technique that teaches women the language of their bodies through fluid feminine movement. The ultimate revelation of S for any woman, is the awakening and cultivation of her own soulfully sexy Erotic Creature. When integrated into a woman’s daily life, this Erotic Creature propels a woman forward like rocket fuel, towards whatever desire she wants to attain. All of this just from enlivening the feminine body through movement? Yes. 

www.Sfactor.com