Body Acceptance

I have "body issues." Show me a female who doesn't. Having gone up and down the scale my entire life (I've yo-yo'ed between size 4 and 14) I am no stranger to weight-loss schemes, fitness regimens, and purchasing articles of clothing that will fit me "once I'm back to fighting shape." 

I developed bulimia in my early 20's as a violent reaction to Weight Watchers. Don't be scared off if Weight Watchers is something you think might work for you--not everyone is susceptible to my degree of crazy, and Weight Watchers might actually be great for you. But for me, I was suddenly accountable for how many points were in an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, and the horrible realization I just ate all my points for an entire week--well, that was enough inspiration to take me to the toilet. I can't blame Weight Watchers completely--in fact, I don't blame them at all. Bulimia is a very specific eating disorder that can be broken down very simply: I threw up to express my long-suppressed rage. It was a bitter cycle of stuffing myself with junk food to drown my pain, then vomiting to undo the damage. I've since learned that the same emotions I'm expressing from throwing up are the same I'd be expressing if I could scream for five minutes. But then my roommates would freak out and probably call the cops.  Throwing up seemed much more manageable (WTF?!?)

I didn't stop at bulimia, by the way. I also tried Atkins, South Beach, the Cabbage Soup diet, the Master Cleanse, the Moon Diet (which involves fasting according to phases of the moon), diet pills, and juicing. In the fitness realm, I've run a marathon, worked with a trainer, participated in fitness infomercials, and taken up dance. 

All so I can look in a mirror and not flinch?

It's insanity. I reached a point this past year where I had to admit my obsession was out of control. I wasn't being myself and living in the moment--I was living to be thin. Rather, I was dying to be thin. Starving and mentally beating myself up. It's all I cared about. It's what I thought the world wanted from me. I honestly didn't think it wanted anything else. And once I was perfect--meaning fit enough to be photographed for the cover of a magazine without airbrushing, I'd be valuable. Little did I know they're all air-brushed, and most of them are graphically augmented to fit a standard that for me, is only maintainable if I am literally starving myself. 

So what do I do?

Well, I did a lot of things. Much of it I won't discuss here, but I'd be happy to talk to you privately. Let's just say I'm in the process of recovering from a lifelong battle between my ego and my Higher Self, and for the first time ever, my ego is being told to Shut The Fuck Up. Having a hard time discerning between the voice of your ego and the voice of your Higher Self? Here's a hint: your ego never says "I am beautiful exactly as I am!" Your ego says "I'll be beautiful when (insert anything here)". And if it's not saying that, it's simply saying "I look like shit today." What's your Higher Self saying? Nothing. Your Higher Self doesn't talk much--he or she is too busy enjoying the present moment to comment on how you look today.

So that's 31 years of body insanity in a nutshell. And there WAS a point to this--I wanted to give thanks and bring awareness to my favorite fitness studio, SWERVE. My friend Gillian runs this studio. She founded it with her BFF Teigh McDonough, and I've been a member since 2007. Through all my ups and downs, through all my struggles with food and pants sizes, SWERVE remains a safe-haven where I could show up, dance, sweat, and look at myself in the mirror as a beautiful and glorious work-in-progress. They have yoga, ballet, aerobics, salsa, sculpt classes, meditation--the list goes on and on. They are located on 3rd street, one block east of Sweetzer. Come check them out with me--I have a free pass! I go to Yoga Booty Ballet on Wednesdays at 10am, Booty Kickin' Scuplt on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 5:15, and when I can fit a yoga or meditation class in, I do that too. Not because I am on a rampage to get skinny, but because I love Gillian's classes and the magical positive energy she brings consistently to every single work-out. She is a truly gifted trainer and fitness coach, and I am honored to be a member of her kula!

LMP Self-Love Suggestion: When working out in a group, remember: you're not competing with anyone! Don't let yourself be discouraged from coming back to the class if you feel awkward and inexperienced. No one is judging you--they are investing time into self-improvement! If anyone is wasting time watching you, it's because they're scared and want approval just as much as you do. Shine, kick ass, and give the work-out 150%! You'll end up inspiring those around you to work harder than they might have worked without you there to inspire them!!

***

Swerve Studio is located at 8250 West 3rd St. #205 Los Angeles, CA 90048. They host private trainers with a wide variety of specialties and backgrounds, including Pilates, Barre, CrossFit, TRX, MMA and weight training.